BS"D
Continued from comments to circumcise your heart post:As for Tzitzit, I am partnered with fringes for life, so no worries there. The question for me isn't whether or not to wear tzitzit, but in what manner and when. I've never felt comfortable in a man's traditional tallit katan. Everytime I put one on I feel like I'm telling my breasts, you have no place here. It's not a very womanly thought, so it bothers me and inhibits the meditative process of tzitzit for me. The first set of tzitzit as tallis katan that I wore was a set I made myself that was more like an apron (a double apron, front and back, a skirted garment). This set of tzitzit was extremely comfortably and felt a lot more feminine to me. In fact, it enhanced my sense of being a woman and was a hugely positive meditation to be immersed in. So I'm going back to exploring skirted options for women's tzitzit.
Meantime, what about the when of wearing tzitzit? The experience I gave in the posting "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart" was just the beginning... fearing backlash from my feminist friends and also trying not to out a romantic interest prematurely I didn't give over the whole experience, but here it is now, because I think it's important to this discussion.
In fact, I'm going to create this as a new blog post-- see you on the main page!
Okay, so here we are now back at the main page and I'm going to do it-- I'm going to dive into Feminist hot water and none of you can stop me!If you remember back a few posts (Circumcise the foreskin of your heart), I was explaining an experience I had at Jerusalem Camp which called me to question whether or not I wanted to continue wearing a tallis katan, and if so, how and when. (I could restate that more positively like "had an experience that empowered me to rethink my relationship to the mitzvah of tzitzit") There's more to this experience though, and I know I'm going to get myself into trouble, but here goes...
If you recall, on my second night in J-Camp one of the brothers offered me the tzitzit off his back, a gesture that touched my heart deeply enough to satiate my need, in that moment, to wear tzitzit,
because the moment itself was tzitzit.
There's more though, that next day this same brother asked me if I had laid tefillin yet, to which I replied "I don't know how to lay tefillin..." I'm certain that had I asked, he would have taught me on the spot. It was another great moment of compassion from one soul to another that cut through gender and denominational lines as if none of that stuff mattered or existed. Only a little blip of a moment, but highly transformational. After that, when I would look over and see this person wearing his tzitzit, I felt like
I was wearing tzitzit. And when I looked over and saw him laying tefillin, I felt like
I was laying tefillin. I don't know how, really, to explain this, but I began to understand how it is that male and female Jewish spiritual expression intersect, even merge together in an immersed Jewish community. I began to understand how it is that gender differentiation of spiritual expression in the community can be an incredibly holy vehicle and how the foundation for that vehicle is the coming together of woman and man to create a Jewish family.
I know to many this will sound a lot like "If my husband is wearing tzitzit, then I don't need to...If my husband is wearing tefillin, then I don't need to...If my husband does whatever, then I can be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen...etc etc..." This is not what I am saying at all, and I hope that those of you who know me understand that this is never what I will be saying. What I am saying is that I've discovered a very deep integral spirituality between male and female jewish spiritual expression, and particularly between wife and husband in a Jewish household. I'm not doing this revelation justice, so you just need to trust me that this is deep, deep stuff and not to be dismissed lightly.
There are, of course, all manner of spin off topics, every single one of which gets me deeper and deeper into F.H.W. (feminist hot water)-- mechitza, seperate prayer services for men and women, women's torah services, shomer negiah (or not), issues of tamei and tahor, and the use of the mikvah in general. All of these are areas where I am religiously pushing the ritual boundaries, always I am out working in these frontier zones. But at the same time I am deepening my appreciation for the boundaries and am seeking to work with them within the context of being a 21st century global human being.
None of this negates my ability or desire to wear tzitzit and lay tefillin, but has changed my perspective about
why I engage these mitzvot, and how I choose to do it. Personally, I think all of this makes me more of a feminist, not less, but whatever the label, I am what I am.
Thanks Ya'll for the prodding and encouragement both.
Brachot!
