struggling alongside yaakov
B"H
Shabbos for me was difficult. Led services, but couldn't get my energy up. Most of the peppy regulars including kiddos were missing for various seasonal reasons, so it had to be all me, and due to melancholic mishegas with (things I can't speak about publicly,) could not get into shabbos light and services reflected this. In Hassid world someone else would have taken over, but in liberal world, we are performers as much as leaders, so no one else to do, or will. Can only be where I am, and no where else. Several times in service actually stopped and was quiet for a few moments while I found myself again-- and scrapped my whole d'var on the moment and spoke spontaneaously about struggle/yaakov/parasha of week/darkness,lightness, time of year/ and chanukah. Was an excellent drash actually, but not exactly high bright shabbos energy. Dark. Again, can only stand where we are, eh? Reminded myself that we do this week after week and that over the long haul the community will come with us, as we come with the community, traveling together.
Shabbos for me was difficult. Led services, but couldn't get my energy up. Most of the peppy regulars including kiddos were missing for various seasonal reasons, so it had to be all me, and due to melancholic mishegas with (things I can't speak about publicly,) could not get into shabbos light and services reflected this. In Hassid world someone else would have taken over, but in liberal world, we are performers as much as leaders, so no one else to do, or will. Can only be where I am, and no where else. Several times in service actually stopped and was quiet for a few moments while I found myself again-- and scrapped my whole d'var on the moment and spoke spontaneaously about struggle/yaakov/parasha of week/darkness,lightness, time of year/ and chanukah. Was an excellent drash actually, but not exactly high bright shabbos energy. Dark. Again, can only stand where we are, eh? Reminded myself that we do this week after week and that over the long haul the community will come with us, as we come with the community, traveling together.
posted by Maggid Sarah @ 5:49 PM
1 Comments:
At 10:21 AM,
Tzipporah said…
Yishar kohakha, MS! Yes, be where you are and let the community be there with you. I think that's part of the lesson having to "lead" every day/week for such a long time. You have to let your own life/headspace be part of your maggidut just as much as you want the good things from the community to influence you.
It's part of what I'm learning in my new role of mother - you can't suddenly transform yourself into the perfect this or that -that's just playacting, not really integrating this new role into your life. If we keep acting the way we think others expect us to act, instead of coming to things from a genuine place in ourselves, it won't work - we'll go nutso and we STILL won't meet expectations.
You have to be you, with all your messiness and doubt and silliness (and good things too); that's how you end up really doing the best possible job. (Hope that was sort of coherent.)
Blessings to you!! We will be here in town pretty much all the time, and we'd REALLY like to see you when you're here.
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